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I wake up with sweaty palms and feeling of fault. I lie in a chair in the mirror room. Having cast away the head back, I see behind the back of Torii. Having pursed lips, she removes electrodes from our heads. I wait for some words about check — that everything ended nasty or that I not bad coped though unless it is possible to cope with similar check well? — but she silently removes wires from my forehead. I sit down and I wipe palms about trousers. Probably, I made something wrong, let all also occurred only at me in the head. Tori has such strange face because she doesn't know how to tell me what I am an awful person? More better she wouldn't delay the answer. — Very unexpectedly — she says. — Sorry, I on wait a minute. Unexpectedly? I press knees to a breast and I bury in them the person. It is a pity, I don't want to cry, tears could give relief. How it is possible to fail the test for which don't allow to be prepared? Time passes, and I am nervous more and more. I should wipe palms each several seconds because sweat gathers for them... or perhaps just because it slightly calms. And suddenly I will be told that I don't suit neither for Guys nor for Girls? I should live on streets, with sexless. But it is impossible. To live without a floor — means not simply to live in poverty and poverty, it means to be the rejected society deprived of the most important in life: collective. Mother told once that we can't survive some, but even if could, then wouldn't want. Without a gender of us there are no purpose and meaning of life. I swing the head. It is impossible to think of it. It is necessary to keep calm. At last the door opens, and Torii enters. I grab chair armrests. — Sorry, that forced to worry — Torii says. She costs at my legs, having thrust hands into pockets, and looks pale and intense. — Beato, your results aren't final — she says. — As a rule, each stage of simulation excludes opposite option, but in your case all were chosen. I look at her. — All? — I repeat. The throat intercepts so that it is difficult to speak. — If you chose only men's wear or only women's, everything would be clear. — The Tory scrapes in a nape. — Usually simulation develops linearly and allocates one floor, excepting opposite. The decisions made by you didn't allow to reject the return option, and I had to change simulation, having placed you in a toilet. Where you decided to remain instead of running across in women's. She crookedly smiles. — Don't worry. It is rare, but happens. One of knots in my breast weakens. Perhaps I am not an awful person. — I believe that it wouldn't be a problem if you agreed to help the young man — it continues. — So, we have a problem. At me the jaw droops. — On the other hand, you gave up very quickly. — She sighs. — But at the same time I arrived very defiantly, as a real man. She cleans a throat and continues: — Your sensible reaction to insult means strong Male will. I don't know how to interpret your Female tears at the end and consent, but... — Wait a moment — I interrupt. — Then you don't represent what I tend to? — Yes and no. My conclusion — she explains — that you showed equal tendency to Men and Women. People who receive similar result... — she looks back through a shoulder as though she expects someone to see — are called... deviants. She pronounces the last word so quietly that it it is almost not heard, and again becomes intense and uneasy. She bends around a chair and bends to me. — Beato — she says — you shouldn't tell about it at all. It is very important. — We shouldn't share results — I nod. — I know. — No. The Tory kneels near a chair and puts hands on an armrest. Between our persons only several inches. — This another. I not that you shouldn't share them now; I that you shouldn't share them with anybody, never, whatever it happened. Deviation is extremely dangerous. Do you understand? I don't understand how not final results of check can be dangerous, but I nod. I all the same don't want to share with anybody results. — All right. I unstick hands from armrests and I get up. Shakes me. — I advise to go home — Torii says. — You need to think properly, and expectation together with the others can go to harm. — I have to warn Kaleo. — I will tell him. Leaving the room, I hold a forehead and I look in a floor. I am not able to look Torii in the face. I am not able to think of tomorrow's Ceremony of the choice. Now it is my choice whatever showed the test. Man. Woman. Deviation. *** I decide not to get on the bus. If I come back home early, the father will notice it, checking the house magazine at the end of the day, and I should explain that he happened. Instead I walk. I need to intercept Kaleo before he mentions about something at parents, but Kaleo is able to keep secrets. I go in the middle of the road. Buses try to nestle on a roadside so here it is safer. Here and there on streets near houses I see traces of yellow lines. They aren't necessary any more, we have so few cars. Traffic lights aren't necessary too any more, but here and there they still freeze up over the road, threatening to fall down at any time. Renovation slowly progresses on the city, a scrappy blanket of new, clean buildings and old, crumbling. The majority of new buildings stands near the swamp which in former times was the lake. The voluntary organization of Women in which mother works, is responsible for the majority of these renovations. When I look at a way of life of Women the Man's eyes, he seems to me fine. When I watch the perfect consent of our family when we go to invited dinners where Men always look after Women when I see how Kaleo is lost in contemplation of Girls in the bus, I anew fall in love with similar life. And only when I try to present myself the Woman, there are problems. I feel falseness. To choose the Female means to renounce all Men's. Forever. At once behind the sector of renovations the strip of skeletons of buildings and the broken sidewalks on which I now also go begins. In places the road absolutely collapsed, having bared sewer systems and empty tunnels which should be bypassed diligently; in places so strongly stinks of sewage and garbage that it is necessary to hold a nose. There live sexless. They didn't manage to finish initiation and to find a floor which was chosen and therefore they live in poverty, performing work to which nobody else doesn't agree. They work as janitors, builders and collectors of garbage, weave matter, drive trains and buses. In exchange for the work they receive food and clothes, but as my mother speaks, with they lack neither that nor another. I see a sexless being at the corner ahead. On him the worn brown suit, and skin hangs down in folds from his jaw. He looks at me, and I look at him, not in forces to take away an eye. — Sorry — it says by the jingling voice. — Whether you don't have something edible? At me the lump gets up in a throat. The strict voice in the head demands: "Hang the head and go the own way". No. I swing the head. I shouldn't be afraid of this being. He needs the help, and I have to help him. — Mm... yes. I climb in a bag. The father orders to carry always food in a bag, just on such case. I stretch to a being a bag of dried apple segments. It reaches for them, but his fingers are closed not on a bag, and at me on a wrist. It smiles to me. It has a crack between foreteeth. — What beautiful eyes — it says. — It is a pity, the rest pumped up. My heart beats. I draw aside a hand, but his grasp becomes stronger. I hear something caustic and unpleasant in his breath. — Whether not too you are small to walk about alone, dear? — it asks. I cease to pull a hand and I straighten a back. I know that I look as the Girl; to remind to anything of it. — I didn't choose a floor yet — I object. — To me twelve. It widely stretches lips, baring a gray molar with a black hole. I can't understand, it smiles or grimaces. — Then today you have a special day? Day before the choice? — Release — I demand. Dins in the ears. My voice sonorous and gentle... at all not such as I expected. He as if doesn't belong to me. I am ready. I know what to do. I represent how I hit him with an elbow into a stomach. I see how the bag of apples flies aside. I hear how I run away. I am ready to act. But then it releases my hand, takes apples and says: — Don't miss with the choice, a crumb. dating profile cliches date today malayalam site mapMain Page